continued

After I found Callie dead I cried a lot and slept a lot with a heater blowing on me. Grief makes me cold I guess. I went several days unable to eat. When I got the ability to eat back I started pretty much pigging out all the time that I was awake. The net affect was that I lost a lot of strength and weight from not eating, then thanks to the slowed metabolism gained more weight back but didn't gain the strength back. Though that was not high on my list of things I was depressed about.



Yesterday I slept from 9AM until 10:45PM and I had a dozen different dreams about Callie. I love her very much. I'm not very excited about continuing to be alive for the post-having-her-with-me portion of my life, but I haven't considered not going on much. It would just be a dick move to other people. So I'll just keep doing whatever until this crap is over.



Nothing I was trying to do really seems worth doing anymore, but I have to do something. So I just go through the motions trying to do the stuff I thought I should do before.



Okay, so what am I doing?



When I filled out my yearly employee evaluation thingy I wrote about wanting to be a programmer and saying I was flexible about the schedule as long as there's a way for me to take one grad class per semester. So who knows. I don't really care.



I am signed up for two classes starting next Tuesday.


I got a headset that works as an EEG and gives the information to a computer. I used it to be able to tell if my brain waves are doing what they're supposed to when you meditate. I went 40 days straight meditating at least a little bit every day.



I started being a 6-days a week vegetarian on Monday. I'll allow myself to eat meat on Saturday. I want it to be a big deal when something has to die for my meal. I guess I don't think it's morally wrong to kill animals for food, I just think it's morally preferred not to.



I've been trying to get my strength back up to where it was before I went those days without eating. I was trying to bench 5 reps with 375 before she died. Now I am trying to get 5 with 335. Which is an improvement from the lowest point I dropped to, 315.



This is my favorite video I have of Callie. I recorded when I was making a video we had to make for a final project in Japanese in 2010. This didn't make it into the video, but luckily I kept it.


translation: "Hello. My name is Bryan. This cat is Callie. I love Callie."

I look at it and I feel like I should be able to reach out and rub her head, but it's just a screen.